Is anyone else having a problem writing a Christmas letter this year? I’m determined not to write a sad letter, so I’d like to point out a conspiracy I’ve discovered. It’s called Holiday Smoke Screen. No, I’m not talking about how some of my relatives and friends lean out the windows of hotels and motels so you can smoke undetected by the management. One day, one of you will fall to your death, and I’ll have to reconcile the fact that at this very moment, I may have cursed you.
Moving on. The Holiday Smoke Screen is how the holidays put a spin on everyday objects and events so we see them in a different light. Take snow for example. We have been conned into wanting a white Christmas by Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. Children cut out paper snowflakes and science tries to convince me that no two snowflakes are alike. They are, trust me. They are all cold, and they pile up and cause me to be stuck in the house. After the holidays, the illusion is gone. You see the snow for what it is, wet precipitation that should be sent to the desert southwest and other drought-ridden areas.
Holiday music, Hallmark shows, and fat men in red suits. Sure, love them now, but come January you will see them for what they are. You’ll wince when the hold music for customer service still features Burl Ives’ Holly Jolly Christmas. You’ll ask yourself, “Was it a Holly Jolly Christmas? Why then am I so cranky after an hour on hold?” You’ll click quickly past the Hallmark Channel which now is cleverly disguised as Hallmark’s Mystery Channel. Take it from me, change the season, but the clothes and the stories are the same. My husband will argue, “But each has a happy ending!” “Happy ending? I say Pah!” (Note, I don’t really know what Pah means. All I know is a few of my UK friends say it instead of using the American plbbt!) Fat men in red suits? Really? Wouldn’t red sweatpants be more comfortable?
Alright, indulge in the Holiday Smoke Screen if you must. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Happy Holidays!
Love Alexie Aaron, The Beta Reader, The Red Pen and the Webguy
